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In Hot Pursuit of Happiness

7 “Ew”s We Never Think About!

Peeing idlyHeading into the weekend, I thought I’d share the crap that was running through my mind this morning, as I peed idly…

Human beings are programmed to reach out and touch anything that intrigues or interests them -and it’s cute, really. We do it automatically as babies, when we realise that we can send signals to our arm to ‘get’. Then, most distressingly, we tended to immediately put the whatever-it-was into our mouths, because, frankly -all we did was eat. Our mouth was Everything: a combination of our nose, our skin, and even our ears. If the thing tasted bitter or ‘hard’ or ‘sharp’ or ‘buzzed’, we became distressed and (with the same mouth) began conducting the cacophony that would tell the nearest carer that the world had ended.

baby exploring the worldAs adults, however, we’ve changed only slightly. We don’t automatically put things in our mouth -in fact, we are super weary of doing so, having developped all sorts of complexes about ‘veggies’, ‘hot’ flavours, ‘meat’, ‘dairy products’ etc. The bravest of us gird ourselves in order to taste anything new -and we’ll use all of our other senses first. We’ll touch it, sniff it (quite rude, but completely instinctive), we might even shake it to hear (if it’s shakeable) and then we might enter into the thing. But the touching part of it? The hardest thing in the world to control. A friend appears at a meeting wearing a new belt -what do you do as you cry out compliments? Reach out and touch it. A friend produces a new phone -that’s right. You’re going to want to walk your fingers and palm all over it. But these two? Some of the worst objects you can ever touch. Why? Well I’ll tell you.

belt1) You go into the toilet. You reach for your belt to unbuckle it, then sit and do your thing. What’s next? Right again. You wipe, then rebuckle, then flush, then the washing of the hands etc. You’ll do that every time you have to go. Yes, you wash your hands, but the belt is filthy! Yet we have no hesitation about palping and examining other people’s flashy belts! Now imagine…. It’s a party. You’ve just examined a belt and are now discussing where to get the best ones blah, blah, blah… The canapes come around… The hand comes out again and picks one up… and it’s popped into you mouth. Mmmmh. You just had a mouthful of your friend’s private part cooties. Well done.

wallet2) Mind you -we do the same with… yes. WALLETS. There we go, turning it around in our hands, looking at the leather, checking out the stitching… Lord knows what surfaces that thing has been placed upon or fallen -not to mention the filthy notes and coins that inhabit within, which are constantly being taken out and exchanged. I mean -watch how you handle even your own wallet. Do NOT take it out to pay for a sandwich and then use the same hands to eat it with. Wipes, wipes, antisceptic wipes always.

bag3) Bags. AGAIN, dudettes. YES, the thing is looking Hollywood -but do you only KNOW where it’s been put down, shoved under/into, carted, tucked… I mean…. Should I go on?

4) Personal Cellphones. I’ve already mentioned, but I personal cellwant to you to think a little bit more about this: They go onto people’s oily earlobes. People pick their noses before picking them up. People take them into the bathroom with them. And when they aren’t on oily, sweaty, disgusting surfaces -they are on other oily dirty surfaces: table tops, unclean drawers, bar counters… I mean, I cannot begin to tell you!… And do you really need me to go into public, or even office phones?

pens5) Pens, dudes, PENS. Yesterday I popped by the DOCTOR’s and had to fill in a form. Without thinking, I reached for one of those ugly, unsightly, (useful) but TOTALLY criminal stuck-to-the-counter pens. I recoiled like I’d been shot. The thing was so oily, it was slippery. God knows how MANY people’s snots, sneezes and sweats had coated it -and naturally, nobody every thinks to clean the pen. I went straight to one of those antisceptic pumps they have everywhere on hospital walls, and emptied it onto my hands and arms. Then I calmly went back, smelling like a patient, took out my own pen (always carry one -and clean it after you’ve lent it to anyone) and finally filled it in.

laptop6) Others’s personal laptops -are you HIGH? This is where all germs come to congegrate for their annual summit -and when I say ‘annual’ I mean DAILY. Take it for granted that all men, short, tall, handsome and painful ALL have porn on that hard-disk of theirs. And what are they doing while they enjoy it? THAT’S. RIGHT. And then they have to run that finger over the pad again to move on  to the next thing -do you think they pause to wipe?… I’m sorry. I can’t even go on, but hey -Girls do it too! STAY. AWAY. (If you don’t have gloves).

and finally…

hair7) HAIR. I know it’s strange, but reason with me. Not only is it rude to touch other people’s hair, no matter how good it’s looking -but think. If it’s worn loose, they are probably flicking it back all day long -even in the bathroom. If it’s in a ponytail, they’ll automatically smooth it all day long, to make sure it’s neat. Within that nest (which may or may not be washed regularly) there is a conglomerate of flecks of snot, paint, dusk, pee, someone else’s sneeze, that they stood in front of in the lift… Think about it.

I believe I’ve horrified you enough to see you through the weekend, so.. Have a GREAT one!


About Ciggie Cramond

Ciggie Cramond is an author, writer, editor and translator currently living in Nairobi, where she is actively writing her next book, supporting Arsenal, and looking for The One... Online, naturally!


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