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In Hot Pursuit of Happiness

10 Ways to Impress a Guy on a First Date

Too Bad She's Bad

1. Arrive late, and make no excuse for it. The faster he knows his place, the better.

2. Wear something a beggar would reject, and call it ‘vintage.’

3. Utter not a single, original thought, but rather refer to things other people have said, from your mother to your least favourite colleague. Begin sentences with: “Mummy says…” or “Dina, that’s this bitch at work says…”

4. Be a bitch to the waiters and waitresses, and make sure to make a big deal out of nothing –just so he’s clear who’s boss.

5. Whatever you’re having, order lots of it. So if it’s food, pile on the courses, and if it’s drink, make sure you indulge fully, while giggling madly and occasionally reminding him of the fact: “I’m like SO drunk right now!”

6. Pound him with inappropriate, over-personal and/or blatantly stupid questions in a single, drawn out succession –and don’t listen to any of his answers:

“What kind of music do you have sex to?”
“I… well… uh… I don’t really…”
“I love pounding music, you know?”
“Well… I…”
“Like techno or dance or something. Or even like heavy metal or something. Doesn’t pounding music make you better in bed?”
“Well… I…”
“I think it should. I remember my 4th boyfriend…”
Which brings us to…

7. Take every opportunity to mention old boyfriends and recent flames, just to remind him how many times you’ve been around the block (and are still going.)

8. Make sweeping, uninformed generalisations –and stick to them. Guys hate it when people get details wrong –especially about their favourite football player/team.

9. Occasionally engage in loud inappropriate exchanges with the couple at the next table. The more uncomfortable they are, the better: “Hey!… HEY! Just wanted to say: LUUURVE.YOUR.DRESS. Is that ‘vintage’ like mine?”

10. I hadn’t forgotten! THE.PHONE. Forget receiving calls –MAKE them while he’s mid-sentence, and say things like: “Biatch! So glad I caught you! Listen, I’m on my first date with this guy… (glance coyly at him) he’s not too shabby. Not tooo shabby –yanowhaddahmean!!!!” (LOUD guffaw, followed by giggling. Then switch the phone off and look bored.)

This one just might work out!

If he still looks like he might even be tempted to kiss you after all of this? Get him mentally checked out, then marry him. Who says powerful impressions have to be positive? 🙂

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About Ciggie Cramond

Ciggie Cramond is an author, writer, editor and translator currently living in Nairobi, where she is actively writing her next book, supporting Arsenal, and looking for The One... Online, naturally!

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