Do you know what happens to you when you look impossible? Even to You? In the mirror, never minding what your mother says? And you’ve a new OL (Online Interest) in sight and in mind? And no, he’s not an interest but an Interest? And you’re feeling what must be what ‘they’ describe as ‘hormonal’? Which apparently makes you feel insecure in places you’ve never yet experienced? And you suddenly feel desperate about this insecurity (ies)? And things are SO bad, you don’t even FEEL like chocolate? CHOCOLATE, for the very Lord’s SAKE!!!
Well, I’ll tell you:
1) You make an appointment at an actual ‘Hair Salon’.
2) You ACTUALLY go to said ‘Hair Salon’.
3) Since you’ve no idea what you look like to other people, and you suddenly care, you listen to the list of things your appointed ‘Hair Salon Stylist’ tells you that you “NEED DONE”.
4) You ACCEPT all of those things.
5) You spend a couple of hours dozing under their care, neither knowing or caring, and just wishing for this crap to be over so you can go home and update your blog for the first time this week , or blissfully sleep properly, because it’s been an unexpectedly lo-H-OHNG day –or indeed, because you might have used the time to do ANYTHING that is of practical value to you or Humankind.
6) You are jolted into consciousness by the proud ‘Et voilà!!!’ of your ‘Hair Stylist’.
7) You look into the variously angled mirrored reflections of your ‘new’ self, wondering who the HELL this anxious, ugly, made-up man IS.
8) You slowly realise it’s YOU.
9) You can’t manage a godawful scream for lack of energy (and not Will), let alone a gasp, and so you rasp, following the dictate of your ‘Hair Stylist’’s expression, your excellent breeding, and common language, a surprisingly warm “Thank You!”
10) Moving in slow-motion, you pay whatever is asked without question –you might even have left a Tip.
11) You accept another appointment.
12) You emerge onto the crowds on the street, without knowing who or where you are.
13) You move along, allowing these crowds to guide you.
14) You somehow find that your instinct has guided you Home.
15) You receive the HIE (Happy Incessant Exclamations) of your mother at the door.
16) You realise that if She’s pleased, you must look GODAWFUL. And like the remnants (hopefully) or very reflection (Jesus CHRIST) of her generation.
17) You move silently past her to the bar.
18) You lifelessly pour yourself a large glass of wine.
19) Having downed your second, you realise it’s only Wednesday, and you have Work tomorrow.
20) You slowly realise that you’ll actually have to Turn Up to Work tomorrow. In front of ATP (All Those People).
21) You GIVE.UP… internally.
22) You (now listlessly) pour yourself another glass of wine.
23) You go to your computer, intent on distracting yourself with an e-book or games.
24) You find yourself needing to blog.
25) You ACTUALLY DO…