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In Hot Pursuit of Happiness

Men Are Evolving All Wrong

English: English Bulldog with characteristic u...

English: English Bulldog with characteristic underbite (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve been watching my Disdainful Eye, and thought I might just tell you another thing it’s noticed: UNDERBITES. Aside from a weak chin, a non-existent backside, a backside the size of a back-pack, and thin legs… the worst thing anyone can sport is an underbite. When it’s barely noticeable, one might not see it right away, but when it’s plainly there, it makes smiling look like a sport, and that’s NOT cool. Are men evolving into werewovles?

Tyra Banks at the 2000 Cannes Film Festival.

Tyra Banks at the 2000 Cannes Film Festival. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Panicky fact is, since I noticed The Underbite syndrome a couple of weeks ago, I can’t stop seeing them everywhere I go. I’ve caught myself watching people speak (NOT cool –I imagine that it makes you look like you’re angling for a kiss, and that is not an impression I want to leave with my bank teller, the guy at the supermarket or at the petrol pump… or Anyone, really) and although I’ve found that it affects a surprising amount of women (I mean, Tyra Banks has one?!) it affects even more men, and is seriously disturbing, in my general observation of this species.

According to some professor (no doubt the obsessive, notebook carrying, absent-minded, mumbling-to-oneself type that is sadly en voie de disparition) who must be super zealous, and super-super persuasive, because he got the licence to make an entire town his experiment; according to this dude, human beings are evolving to be shorter and fatter. This is already bad news, and especially depressing when you’ve actually noticed that this is true. When I was growing up, I ‘crushed’ on my tall, hot, willowy uncles, and was never so delighted as to be picked up by them and propelled seemingly thousands of miles above ground. The way things are going now, my kids may have to pick up their uncles, just to see them better. Point IS… when I watched this documentary, the Prof omitted to specify that this new breed of short fat people means that men’s necks will disappear, and that they would each have an underbite, just to solidify their status of Unattractive. SUPER depressing.

Still, in a society of short, fat people, I wouldn’t mind our family being the exception. If I chose correctly, I can have a nice, tall husband with all of his teeth in the right place, which means that our kids will too. Screw ‘normal’. The day a TV couple is portrayed with the beautiful woman leaning lovingly down to kiss her Prince is not one I’m looking forward to.

In equally dour news, I got a message last weekend, from Jorg, in Germany. He’s 56, and full bearded. Have mercy.

Wearily in pursuit…

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About Ciggie Cramond

Ciggie Cramond is an author, writer, editor and translator currently living in Nairobi, where she is actively writing her next book, supporting Arsenal, and looking for The One... Online, naturally!

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