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In Hot Pursuit of Happiness

Some of the Top Characters NO ONE should Date

Dating is difficult enough, but I hope that the Singletons out there (male and female) aren’t letting Desire or Desperation rope them into relationships with any of the following characters (more to come.) If you do suspect that you are already involved with them, act fast to save yourself. It may even be a matter of life and death!

FOR THE GIRLS

Girls, the Number 1 Character to avoid at all costs is…

The Nazi –The Nazi is a deeply insecure character, whose main purpose in Life is to affirm himself. It’s all about power, possession and control for this fellow; His Way or No Way. You won’t recognize this monster, at first. He has a history of presenting himself so well, that even your mother will be impressed. He’ll be Dad’s best friend, your brother’s hero, and will make your friends squirm with jealousy at how attentive he is to you.

Once he’s got you in his clasp, you’ll find that he’s suddenly quite clear about what you should wear, where you might go, and who your friends are, some of whom he’ll take objection to, and actively encourage you to drop. Eventually, he may even have a problem with your being too close to your family, because he wants to be the only one with any say on your life. He won’t want you to work, not only because he can’t control the people you come into contact with, there, but also because working will provide you with your own money, which means that he will not have the power to control how or what you spend it on. Better for you to rely on him for everything, you see, so he is truly in charge. If you are working when you meet him (which you won’t for much longer, if he is able to work on you properly) don’t be surprised to find him hanging around outside your office, once in a while. Though you might think it romantic that he’s come to see you (or take you out for lunch, or bring you flowers, or whatever else) know that he’s stalking.

When you put all of these things together, you can clearly see that a relationship with this guy will certainly end in tears. But you won’t be able to put it all together, unless you’re looking for the signs, because the Good Times with this dude will be SO good, they’ll almost make you forget about the Bad.

Should you go against him, fully expect to be punished. Whatever form this punishment takes initially (usually some emotional abuse, to make you feel small, insignificant, powerless, and lucky to have him), know that it will eventually be constricted only to physical beatings. At this point, leaving him might be fatal. Nazis are filing into jail in a steady trickle, having been convicted for murdering girlfriends and wives who have dared to pretend they can lead any kind of life without them. In what I call the Facebook murders (no reflection on FB) several women were murdered by Nazis… for changing their status.

And then there’s…

Il Bambone –The Bambone is the polar opposite of the Nazi, but equally as toxic. The Bambone and his mother have a love that transcends embarrassment, adulthood, and reason. You’ll be breastfeeding this dude from the get-go, because what he hates most in Life, is ANY kind of responsibility. Expect to wait on him hand and foot, because, guess what? His mother would. Further expect to be criticised when you don’t make the bed or fold clothes ‘like my mama does’. Their world will be turned upside down when you give birth, and all your attention is suddenly diverted to and focused on the baby, so fully expect fits of jealousy and not a few tantrums.

Still, Bambones are not evil men, at least, and might even make for great, and affectionate companions, for the most patient of us. The worries and angst they bring you won’t be from their partying ways, since they’ll likely be at home watching TV and pottering about –even when you’re out.  If managed correctly, over a good number of years, they may eventually grow up some, and make perfectly good fathers… Don’t hold your breath, though.

FOR THE GUYS

Dudes, wake up and smell your number 1 romantic enemy:

Miss Moneybags –This money hungry, gold-digging hussy has eyes for nothing but money, and she’ll do anything and everything to get her hands on it. She will agree with everything a potential victim says and wants, a great admiration for him, offer sex, and will generally be able to act so well like the Ideal Girlfriend, you’ll be floored by her, and inviting her into your life almost before you know it. High-maintenance and enamoured of the High Life that is accessible only to millionaire society, she’ll squeeze every dime out of any fish that she can get her hands on… until a better one comes along. Love does not live in this girl, though she may have a passing affection for one or two of her conquests, so beware of her sweet tongue –the words she’s addressing you are actually targeted at your wallet. She wants the best, and only the best will do. And the best costs money. LOTS of money.

Miss Moneybags is not one to stand by her man –at the first sign that your resources are dying up, she’ll be out the door without so much as a glance backwards, on her way to salvage whatever she can, in order to move along to her next victim… sometimes, in the literal sense. Several Miss Moneybags are currently languishing in jail, because they tried to fraudulently benefit from Life Insurance policies their poisoned (or otherwise involuntarily deceased) victims never even had a clue that they had taken out on them. Many more are out there, getting away with it, because Miss Moneybags is usually as intelligent and sharp as she is manipulative and calculating.

You will not recognise this predator at first glance, except, perhaps, by the cut of her clothes, which are from the high-end of the market (indeed, not a crime.) Ask her what she does, and how she is able to pay for them, however, and vague answers will be an excellent clue to her real identity. Never seen at the pub, she haunts top nightclubs, restaurants and venues, cultivating a crowd of high end friends, through which she has the best chances of landing her millionaire for Life.

And then there’s…

The Nutcracker –This gal is a home maker and strict disciplinarian (read, potential abuser), whose idea of the perfect husband is like a normal woman’s idea of a child. One short week with her, and she’ll have severed your nuts completely, leaving you an insecure, blubbering, servile mess. She’ll dress her man, feed him, tell him what to do, and generally takeover and run his life from A to Z.  When something isn’t done as directed, he should expect a tongue-lashing so violent as to make him burst into tears, pee his pants –or both. Later in the relationship, (and much too late to reclaim any respect or standing whatsoever) should he try to assert himself in any way, he might experience a couple of painful and humiliating whoopings, designed to rid him of the very last shreds of willpower, and vestiges of manhood.

Nutcrackers, like the best slave-drivers of the day, will often use their victims to the point of abuse, saddling with any amount of chores to do, while she relaxes and monitors him with an eagle-eye. Should her eunuch be able to give her children, he should fully expect to sympathise with and relate to them as fellow prisoners.

You will recognise this horror by the fact that, even on your initial dates, she will rarely let you get a word in edgewise, and will have a firm opinion on absolutely everything. She chooses her victims extremely well, and is easily able to ring them in, because these mild-mannered, kind men will find it difficult to say ‘No’ to a powerful woman, and hate any type of confrontation, finding it easier to just ‘let her have her way.’ If you’re one of those –grown some ball, and learn how to use them.


FOR BOTH GUYS AND GALS

The Klingon –Klingons, I feel, do best dating EACH OTHER. With any other partner, relationships are bound to be short and filled with exasperation and exhaustion. Klingons may be sweet-natured, caring creatures, but they are deeply insecure, and what they want most in Life is someone who will take away their insecurity through constant affirmation. A Klingon needs to be physically as well as emotionally coddled –and constantly. In a relationship with them, there needs to be lots of hand-holding, hugging, and ‘I LOVE YOU’s after ever sentence –if not, they’ll definitively conclude that you ‘don’t love me any more’ and become very upset.

Getting any breathing space from a Klingon partner is almost impossible, even if you ask for it in the kindest way you know how –they’ll wonder WHY you need space away from them, and deduce that… you guessed it, you ‘don’t love me any more.’ You’ll be surprised to find that your fights are not about anything more serious than how much you love them, which you might have to spend exhausting HOURS asserting, reasserting and proving.

Because of their insecurity, Klingons are extremely jealous, so if your fight isn’t about how much you love them; it’s probably about how much attention you recently paid to someone else. They are like two-year old toddlers with abandonment issues, and their partner is forced to act like a reassuring parent.

On the flip side, Klingons are extremely loyal and giving creatures, though this trait proceeds from gratitude for your attention, which isn’t exactly healthy. 
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About Ciggie Cramond

Ciggie Cramond is an author, writer, editor and translator currently living in Nairobi, where she is actively writing her next book, supporting Arsenal, and looking for The One... Online, naturally!

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