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In Hot Pursuit of Happiness


So let see here…. On my last count, I have the following prospects today:
James (Englishman, 48) –James is quite happy to tell me that his best feature is his butt… but he offers no photo, and no personally written profile. Not even a paragraph, to show what he might really like. All he’s written is a non-sentence about what he’s looking for, and I quote:  “honest woman.” You just KNOW this man isn’t going to get any answer from me… or any other person out there who isn’t desperate. He’s offering absolutely ZERO of himself.
Oh, one last thing about James? His age range is TWENTY-TWO to FIFTY. A forty-eight year old looking for anyone over half his age is in serious denial of his own –and practically a criminal. Yes. James is DEFINITELY out.
Zacchiah (Kenyan, 34) –This man has a smiling photo (it’s OK) and fits my profile age requirements, which was promising, as it proves he can read. Promising, until I saw that his profile is practically the same as James’, he actually has a degree… and is willing to date NINETEEN year olds. His three-word profile contribution as to what he’s looking for is, and I quote: “adventurous sexy personality. SO out. But then, I was intrigued, because this character actually has a PLATINUM membership on the dating site, so when he sent me an actual message, I was eager to read it. Quoting again:
Subject: mmmmmmmmhhhh

i like what i read but only ebony sexcites yu apparently….
COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY OUT. Might have to be BLOCKED, in case of potential follow up traumatic messages.
James (Englishman, 42) –Just out of my age range, smart photo, and a professional. All good until, quoting again: “I am looking for a wife girlfriend friend.” He’s out.
Mark (Irishman, 40) –Looking for marriage (Perfect.) The sum total of whom he is looking to marry, however, is apparently “a beautiful woman.” (Not so good –is he shallow or looking for arm-candy?)
Claims he’s calm, loving, honest and faithful… which doesn’t explain why he’s currently separated, which status takes him out of the running, despite quite a nice photo.
Now, I’m not JUDGING him because he’s separated, but being separated implies an entire Pandora box of trouble. Why separate and not divorce? Is he in the process of divorcing? Is he thinking about getting back together with his wife? Is there a super acrimonious diving of the property thing going on? It’s a can of worms, and I’m not going there. Sorry Mark. But bless you.
Peter (German, 53) –WAY out of my age range, but what a lovely profile photo. And then you come to what he says about who he is and what he wants, and well… NO. Though he sounds a generous and kind person, what he’s offering straight out is too much information , the gist of which is that he fell to pieces after loosing his first wife. You can sense he’s desperate… and also very unhappy, which makes me feel sad for him. Not for me, but I wish him well.
Thomas (Hungarian, 30) –Just out of my age range, and with a photo that shows him dressed like a teenager about to go out on his skateboard. NO. He doesn’t say anything about himself, and in the space designed for him to tell the world what he is looking for, he says (I’m translating from awkward English) that he doesn’t want to be commonplace, and the personal impressions are the most important thing. Fine… but if you want to take your impressions from physical meetings –why are you online? And why are you bothering ME, a gazillion miles away? It’s not like we’re likely to bump into each other. Hrmph. OUT. And annoying.
François (French, 30) –Reinforced my conviction that I CANNOT date anyone younger than me. Looks like a bohemian fan of anorexia (nice colour eyes, though.) The five words he has deigned to set down indicate that 1) He is a simple man, ‘just like the others’ (That’s just crazy –NO man is simple, and I want to know what ‘others’ he’s been hanging around with. Or actually, I don’t.) 2) He’s looking for a kind, open-minded partner. Yeah, but who isn’t? OUT.
Janne (Swedish, 53) –Out of my age range, no photo. Says he’s a “good man.” What’s he looking for? You guessed it: a “good woman.” WHERE is Jesus?
I am mourning a recently terminated short online relationship with an excellent Norwegian prospect that I met on, whose single but fatal fault is that I saw early on that he is controlling. Very controlling.
Controlling men are insecure men, and often latently violent. Women are easily attracted to controlling men, because they are strong Alpha males. They often mistake controlling men to be protective men, and are flattered by the fact that they offer so much attention –but this is unhealthy attention. It is jealous, unhealthy possessiveness, and rarely ends in any good. Still, this man was a wonderful correspondent, and I am missing him sorely. ..
My most interesting prospect now is a 32-year old German living right here in Nairobi… I am currently debating writing him a note, since he sent me notification that he finds me ‘interesting’… but we’ll see.
My other so-called prospects could simply fill up a surgery board: 65-year olds with old heart problems, ‘active’ 70-year olds with potential hip dislocations, 79-year olds with deeply suspected brain tumours –obviously none of whom went to school, as my age limit requirements are CLEARLY indicated in my profile… WHY?
My current pain in the BUTT is a Kenyan, and what I can only describe as an ASSHOLE, who consistently refuses to be blocked, and sends me notifications of ‘interest’ as quickly as I can delete them. This ASS has somehow determined from my (VERY SUCCINT) profile that I am the kind of girl who gets turned on by a married man looking to ‘date’?!!!!!!!
 Again, I ask… WHERE is Jesus?
Completely frustrated, last night, I subscribed to three more dating sites… which might, or might not be the biggest mistake I’ll have already made this year. Pray for me.

About Ciggie Cramond

Ciggie Cramond is an author, writer, editor and translator currently living in Nairobi, where she is actively writing her next book, supporting Arsenal, and looking for The One... Online, naturally!


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