It is a truth universally un-acknowledged that women that I fondly call the ‘Jane Austen type’, such as I, never find their man. Oh, we might come close (I have) but on the whole we are too… assertive, too independent –we have an opinion about everything, and we aren’t shy in expressing ourselves, which, besides, we do with brutal honesty, cloaked only in the warming breath of humour.
I wonder whether in Women Studies (the horror of the name!) there have been studies conducted to determine what type of woman a man will actually go after and marry. And I don’t mean the modern, “I take you until such time as we shall divorce”, but the literal, traditional “…’til death do us part.”If men want to marry their mothers, as some declare is the case, then BOY did I hit the Motherload (pardon the pun) when I got engaged to my last fiancé! When we were dating, he fondly referred to his mother as a long-suffering, loving woman who doted on her children, had practically no life for herself outside of them (she had 8, so that’s not tooo incomprehensible) and doted also, and remained married to a charming man who loves (to this day) to party -often with other women.
I should have known then –but girls in love? Go figure. Intelligence is ejected outside of the brain, and some other base consciousness, slow to move and even slower to understand, sets in. This is the consciousness that makes women react to a polite hint that her man might be cheating with utter hysteria, and blind rage against -the messenger, instead of the man. This is the consciousness that convinces others that he’s NOT violent. He just gets worked up and whacks me a few times when I ask him pertinent questions –I’m sure I deserve it.
I have been a very bad dater, all my life. You name it. I have intimacy issues, trust issues, insecurity issues… issues with the physical (Sex, yes, but beyond that… Forgive me, for this is very cruel, though honest: If a man is ugly, no matter how wonderful a person he might be… why oh WHY would I do my future children the disservice of passing on his genes to them? I just don’t believe that I’m THAT beautiful, my side will compensate!) And I always thought that with or without a man, I would be fine. Who needs them, really? Sure, they’re great company –but they’re cads, and we know it. Why bother?
And yet here I am, 30 and 5 months old, and actively husband hunting… online. I figure that a man who can write so as to impress me (me being a writer) should just about do the trick.
I’m ready for a real man… to make me feel like a real woman. I’m ready to get rid of my issues , learn how to trust, and settle down. I want to make plans and budgets and create investment portfolios with a man whom I look up to. I want to discuss kindergartens and college funds. I want to go on holiday with a man, as his wife. I want to take care of him, and I’d like to be taken care of too.
Curious about my criteria? Here’s the Top Ten!
1. He MUST NOT be a black man –I’ve given up on their issues.
2. He MUST be 6 feet tall, or above (yes, it is the matter of my children’s genes.)
3. He MUST have at least a first degree, and preferably a Masters
4. He MUST have plans for his life which he is actively pursuing –no pie-in-the-skies, please.
5. He MUST be universally acknowledged by his friends as being “The Responsible One” –I want the designated driver; not the bouncer’s focus for the night.
6. He MUST have a sense of humour –the crazier the better. Witty, dry, goofy, whatever –as long as it works for everyone. I don’t think a person that laughs at their own jokes is sexy. At all. I add that I’d hope he knew how to laugh at himself and at Life sometimes.
7. He MUST know how to have a good time, and be willing to set work aside for a good while, once in a while –just to kick it!
8. He MUST be affectionate –and I do mean, the grope your ass, bite your neck, lift you up kind of affectionate. No ineffective, sweaty-palmed pawing, please.
9. He MUST be caring towards family and friends
10. He MUST be HIMSELF –I’m not interested in anyone who doesn’t know who they are to such an extent as they must ‘front’.
If you see any flaws in my PERFECT plan, I’d love to hear from you. If you have advice, so much the better!